The Pepperidge Farm Conspiracy

The next time you eat Goldfish, pause for a moment and examine one. You will see a coating of a white, crystalline substance. Most people mistake this to be salt,but in reality it is heroin. As perhaps the most addictive substance on earth besides Goldfish, this substance (combined with the pleasant suggestion of cheese flavor) is what makes the little crackers so utterly addictive. How has Pepperidge Farm accomplished this? As a multi-million dollar company, they have the financial resources to import the unbelievable amounts of contraband heroin and to have a secret group of operatives who switch any package of Goldfish about to undergo FDA inspection with a package that does, indeed, have a harmless, if dehydrating, coating of salt. Thus, Pepperidge Farm is carrying out their plan to enslave the world with mildly cheesy snack food.