Bacon

Bacon is the solution to all problems.

If a man is hungry, give him bacon; he will eat and be satisfied.

If a man is thirsty, give him bacon; its delicate juices will quench him.

If a man is depressed, give him bacon; he will experience its comforting taste and be cheered.

If a man is recklessly happy, give him bacon; he will feel its blissful texture and be calmed.

If a man is concerned that he is underweight, give him bacon and he will fill out by placebo.

If a man is concerned that he is overweight, give him bacon and he will be distracted from his concern.

If a man is bothersome, give him too much bacon; he will die of cholesterol poisoning.

Kaleidosco Vibes

If a schnauzer in a six-story-high wedding cake appears to you and tells you to set yourself on fire in order to become famous, say "thank you mister man" (without comma) and you will get a sloppy wet kiss.

The Pepperidge Farm Conspiracy

The next time you eat Goldfish, pause for a moment and examine one. You will see a coating of a white, crystalline substance. Most people mistake this to be salt,but in reality it is heroin. As perhaps the most addictive substance on earth besides Goldfish, this substance (combined with the pleasant suggestion of cheese flavor) is what makes the little crackers so utterly addictive. How has Pepperidge Farm accomplished this? As a multi-million dollar company, they have the financial resources to import the unbelievable amounts of contraband heroin and to have a secret group of operatives who switch any package of Goldfish about to undergo FDA inspection with a package that does, indeed, have a harmless, if dehydrating, coating of salt. Thus, Pepperidge Farm is carrying out their plan to enslave the world with mildly cheesy snack food.

Illogicity

I love non-sequiturs. They have a really great nutty sort of flavor, but it's that irresistible coating of dark chocolate that gets me every time.